I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
