Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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