it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
