I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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