There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This baby is an asshole
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
