THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
