Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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