Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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