How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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