I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
