I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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