Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
