the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
