i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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