Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
