Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
