so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize