The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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