I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
