I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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