Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
