I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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