hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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