I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
His hands were made for my vagina.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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