i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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