I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
