I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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