omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
