I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
