that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
