last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
