how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
