I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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