Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
