Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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