I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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