I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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