After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
