fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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