I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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