8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
