Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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