Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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