3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
only you would photoshop your dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
