My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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