she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
