I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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