I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
