He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
