Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
