then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
