DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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