I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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