..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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