im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
