Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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