Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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